Thoughts on Mother's Day

Being Deacon's Mom is the best thing I've ever done.
Although it's sometimes frustrating (like this morning when he decided that 5am was an appropriate wake up time), tiring (he still nurses 2x's every night), and just plain hard and heartbreaking (he refused to nurse until he was almost 12 weeks old) it's the very best.

He changed my life and my heart from the very first minute he was placed on my chest. All for the better. I traded free time and flexibility and pedicures for baby giggles and slobbery kisses and endless diapering. 

Earlier today we were laying side by side on the floor playing with his toys and as I watched him excitedly kick those little legs & let out his sweet baby noises of glee, that feeling that I first had the day he was born came back. This powerful, intense love and desire to protect and nurture him. I watched the soft curves of his cheeks break into his open-mouthed smile and his left eye close a tad more than his right, the way it does when he's really happy, and I just wanted to freeze time. On that floor, looking at this perfect baby, my perfect baby, our perfect baby. He's a little bit of both of us and whole lot of his own sweet spirit and easy-going nature (which he did not get from his parents!). I put my hand on his little chest and felt his noises and giggles and wondered what on earth happened to my tiny 7 lbs. baby.

He's growing at lightening speed right in front of my eyes. He can sit up by himself and eat solid food and understand puppet games I play with him and his stuffed doggie.

I hope as the hours and days and eventually years pass I'll be able to have enough grace, patience and humility to be the kind of Mother he deserves. I want to feed his little body and spirit the very best things. I want to teach him about the beauty of the earth; the trees and sky and dirt and grass. I want to fill our home with love so that it can be a place of refuge for him. I want to read with him, draw with him, bake with him and laugh with him. I want him to crawl, walk, run, ride a bike and (inevitably) play football with confidence in his body and abilities. I want him to be humble, be kind, and love others. I want him to be aware of those who need a little help, a smile, a kind word or deed.  I want him to stand up for what is right and also be able to admit defeat gracefully. Mostly, I want him to know God's love and I want him to love God. 

Maybe the most daunting part of Motherhood is knowing that there is so much you want for your child but only your imperfect self to teach him.  
If I want all of those qualities and experiences for Deacon then I need to be living them myself. He will learn to serve others from watching me serve others. He will learn kindness and love by my interactions with the world. He will learn to forgive and be gentle when I am that way with him. He will feel Heavenly Father's Spirit when I make an effort to have that Spirit in my own life. 

He's my little seed and I choose the materials that will nurture him and help him grow. 

Mother's Day after church.

My happy boy.

Eating a black olive & loving it. 

Sitting up like a big boy at the park, I love his chubby toes & hands.

Motherhood. The calling that stretches, shapes and molds me into what I never knew I wanted so badly. To be his Momma. He's my joy and Mckay is my Love & all is right with the world when we're happy and together.

Deacon at 4 & 5 months.

[Since I blog every few months now, this is a long one.]

In March, when Deacon was 4 months old, his Great-Grandma Delma Lou Dunn died & so it was off to Utah for her funeral. Deacon did so good on his first flight. Mckay & I didn't even get to sit together (last minute booking issues) but that proved to be a non-issue when baby boy didn't make so much as a fussy peep the entire way. He was all smiles, chatting it up with the sweet boy sitting next to us, nursing off to sleep, and looking quite bemused by the loud noises & new surroundings. The trip was great because he got to meet  most of his Dunn family, & see more of his Craven family. One thing I learned was that a baby and a funeral do not mix. Definitely one of the harder days of Motherhood I've experienced -dragging that poor baby all over Utah for 7 straight hours. Never again.

(his happy flying face)


There isn't much I love more than his sleepy body in my arms. I used to be anti-nurse-your-baby-to-sleep but I just didn't know what I was missing. It's bliss. And it's NOT the only way he goes to sleep. Although I do it a lot, because it's just so wonderful.

He got lots of time with Grandpa Craven, was a little skeptical of his beard, but came around eventually & now thinks he's a pretty cool guy.

When we got home from Utah this little one came down with what I thought was a bad cold. But then it wouldn't let up so I took him into the Dr. to make sure it wasn't anything serious. Turns out, the little man had bronchiolitis (an infection of the smallest airways of his lungs) which can be pretty serious. At that point, it wasn't impeding his breathing too much & so when the Dr. suggested albuterol breathing treatments I wasn't keen on the idea. (FYI- most medicine given to babies under 12 months is not FDA approved for their use and doesn't have much support to back up it's effectiveness in babies that little). So I opted out and decided to treat him at home, of course, if things would have progressed out of my control I would have immediately enlisted proper help. We spent a week inside, keeping warm & relaxed, had lots of steam baths, lots of nursing & naps, lots of Breathe essential oils on his feet and chest, a homeopathic remedy and lots of Nose Frieda-ing. I was so thankful when his cough & congestion broke and he was feeling better. I was also so grateful for a husband who trusts me, and helps me trust myself. The human body has amazing capacity to heal itself, even a tiny one like his.

Conference Sunday loving. The older he gets the more I love him. I really don't see how this pattern can continue without bursting my heart into pieces. He is so sweet, calm, fun & happy. He really is my joy.

The sun decided to shine again sometime in April & so we headed outside to soak up its rays. Deacon decided that sun, grass, sand & dirt are right up his alley. I can't wait for summer to introduce him to the swimming pool!

Just being a doll in the outfit Grandpa sent him. He rolled over for the first time at 4.5 months and was so proud of himself. He slowed down after that but has gotten the hang of it and loves to throw himself to the ground when I have him sitting up & then roll over onto his back. He also LOVES this comforter he is laying on. It's on our bed and it's my secret weapon for when he is cranky. I'll just go lay him on his tummy on that and he starts kicking his legs and smiling and laughing. He loves those little dots, it's adorable.

In early April I took him on the first of many (I hope) Mommy-son trips! We went to Boston for the weekend to celebrate the impending arrival of sweet Ashley & Scott's baby girl. We enjoyed the shower, but mostly liked hanging out at their apartment and eating the yummy cookies Scott brought us for dessert.  It's wonderful to have such dear friends close to us. 

At around 5 months his "vocabulary" really started to expand. He began trying out new sounds and volumes and it's just so fun to watch him discover his voice. He'll whine when he's cranky, "talk" with us when he's happy, scream/shriek when he's excited, and my favorite, is the "bbeehh" sound he makes every now and then when he's really concentrating.

My sweet Easter Bunny at our ward Easter brunch. He wasn't sure what to make of all the people yelling and snapping and smiling and clapping at him to get him to smile for his picture.

Easter Sunday. Too bad we didn't get family picture.

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of him. Every night before bed I lay him in his crib under his mobile and he plays while I get his jammies on, diaper changed etc. This particular night he was just in such a great mood & he was laughing and coo-ing up a storm. The lighting and shadows are terrible but I love the look of glee in his little face. And you can kind of see his legs stick-straight out like he does when he's excited. And the neck rolls!!! And arm rolls! And leg rolls! How delicious is he?! I wonder when I'll stop thinking that he is just completely perfect... (Probably during potty training).

The very last weekend in April I took him back out to Utah for the annual McAffee girls (& babies) retreat. 35 of us shared 4 condos at Bear Lake and it was a blast. The next week we spent a few days with Grandma & Grandpa which made the trip even better. Again, he was an angel on the airplane (thank you, thank you, thank you Deacon!).

(Excited to be on the airplane again!)

That weekend he suddenly became completely enthralled by food. He would see someone near me eating and just lunge in that direction. I was trying to hold out until he was a solid 6 months before giving him anything but breast milk but decided that if he was ready, I could be ready too. A raw carrot to gnaw on was his very first taste of solid food!

Hanging with his favorite Uncle Trevor in Utah. Trevor was such a natural with him, even after all his self-proclaimed disinterest babies I heard through my pregnancy. He toted him all over the house and outside and even changed a diaper for me. 

Of course he loves his Grandma Caroline so much.

He sat up by himself for the first time when he was 5 months and about 1 week old. He does it daily now, usually with a Boppy around him so he doesn't bonk his head when he falls over or throws himself to the ground. He's growing up and we are loving it, it's so fun to watch him learn and grow and develop into such a smart & happy baby.

Strawberries! A little strong for his palate, although he insisted on more after this picture. So far he's had: banana, avocado, watermelon, cooked carrots, bell peppers and this little bit of strawberry and he's liked it all! I think he's going to be a great eater.  We are doing baby-led weaning and loving it. It's convenient and he's already made so much progress in how he manages food.

Bath time is happening more frequently these days, he knows how to get that food everywhere.



I've been so bad at writing in a journal since he's been born. That makes me sad, because there is so much I want to remember, but hopefully my excess of pictures will make up for it.

To remember:

• Laying in bed next to him this morning after he'd woken up from a baby nap in my arms and looking into his eyes as he looked into mine and just feeling so close to him.
• The giggle and huge smile he always has for Daddy when Mckay walks in the door at the end of the day.
• His winkie smile and how he gets excited and and then buries his head into my shoulder or turns his head away from who ever is making him happy, like he gets shy, or too excited to handle the eye contact. It's the cutest things.
• He loves the bath and just splashes away, I usually  need dry clothes after he's done.
• He's getting better at napping at at least once a day will give me a two hour nap, which is awesome. I'm still looking forward to a full night's rest- it has to happen one of these nights, right?
• The way he curls his feet together when he is laying on his back with no socks on.
• When I change his diaper on the changing table and my elbow waves in his face it always makes him laugh and then he tries to catch it and chew on it. It's the funniest thing, and it always makes me happy.
• His sleeping face, so content and peaceful in my arms. I love it even at 2am.

There just aren't words for the love we have for Deacon. Everyone said it's something you won't understand until you have your own child. And they were right, but they were also wrong because I have my own child now & I still don't understand it. He's our light. I could have ten of him.

Baby, you're 3 months old!

The three month mark (February 21st) was a good mark. All of a sudden something clicked, or should I say, so many things clicked. Deacon started sleeping longer stretches (still not his strong suit but he's improving), I pretty much figured out how to live life with a baby in tow, his little personality really started shining through, things just seemed easier and more fluid. And I fell more in love with him, while he got pretty attached to me as well. I think we have a Momma's boy on our hands. In month 3 he-

Started laughing! Cutest thing in the world. Mckay & I are constantly bending over backwards just to hear his sweet giggle. I hate to admit it, but the thing that really gets him going is when Dad burps. It's so gross, but Deacon must think it's hilarious because he will just belly laugh so hard. Boys.

Became noticeably attached to certain toys. This is Mr. Bear (we are so creative), one of the many "toys" that Deacon loves. He likes to hug this little guy and chew on his ears or blanket. It's sweet. 

Found his toes and hands! I haven't captured it yet, but he's fascinated with his toes (hasn't found them on his own, but sure likes to examine them when we hold his foot up) & hands. I'll look over and he'll just be watching his fists dart back and forth in those jumpy baby movements. It's so funny.

He sent Daddy to Peurto Rico on a boys trip.  Neither of us were happy to see him go, but he had a fun time with his brothers for 5 days in the sun. It's not like he left us to fend for ourselves in the dead of winter or anything... oh wait, that's exactly what happened! Well, we were both thrilled when he came back -I was nursing Deacon in bed that morning and he kept looking over my shoulder, finally I told Mckay "I think someone wants to see you!" and Mckay popped up over my shoulder and said "Good morning, buddy!" & you should have seen baby Deac light up. It was so sweet, just the welcome home every Daddy wants from his baby son.

Helped Momma celebrate her 25th birthday. Auntie Regan was in town (while Daddy was gone) and she made us a [delicious] vegan birthday cake. It was sure nice to have her around, the countdown is on until she comes back to see us in June!

Cut his first tooth! It took me by complete surprise, even though my Mom kept telling me, "I bet he's teething...". I just couldn't believe that my 3 month old could possibly be cutting a tooth. Turns out the poor sleep, cranky days, drool and constant hands in his mouth really were signaling a tooth. We were sitting in church last Sunday and I let him chew on my finger and voila! Sharp little tooth. Poor baby. Now I'm armed with teething tablets, teething rings, camomilla, and an amber necklace to ease the little guy's pain & he's doing much better. Tooth #2 is not far behind...

Made a best friend! Liam is three months older than Deacon and they are little buddies. It's definitely an arranged friendship, since I just adore Liam's Momma, but it works. I think they actually recognize each other because they get pretty excited when we put them together. [^^We'd just had dinner with the Castro's and had these two face to face, they were shrieking, flapping arms, kicking legs, smiling, laughing and talking to each other, it was such cute baby communication!]

Month 3 has been the most wonderful month. I love this little guy more and more, and when it seems that there can't possibly be an ounce of love in my heart that isn't his, something new happens and I pull a Grinch move and my heart just gets bigger. It's so incredible, it makes me wonder at how it must be to love multiple little ones the way I love him. 

And I guess as a disclaimer, because it's important to be honest (Juan Pablo), although I paint roses and rainbows above, there are rough times too. The night when it's the 5th time he's woken up, the umpteenth blow-out and ruined outfit (seriously, how does he do that?!), the time with Mckay cut too short because I just need sleep. That stuff happens too. But I'm learning that motherhood is basically the end of one rope turning into the beginning of the next. It's also fun and exciting and fulfilling and humbling. So I'll take what little bad there is with all the good and thank Heavenly Father for this pretty imperfect, perfect life that we have.

A little bit of life lately.

On December 22, 2013 Deacon was given a name & a blessing by his Daddy. It was a beautiful, unusually warm winter day. We had a slight drizzle of rain and everything was green, the snow hadn't arrived yet and we didn't even wear coats to church that day.  Mckay did a beautiful job and sitting there listening to him bless our little son was such a special moment, one I will never forget.  I love my boys more than anything. (*We tried to move his little arm down, because it just looks kind of awkward but he moved it right back up! So he won and now we have these great pictures with his awkward arm placement!)

The Craven clan spent Christmas with us! They stayed 9 days and we were so happy to have them. They spent some time in New York City and did a little Connecticut exploration but most of their vacation was spent staying cozy with us in our little apartment. It was basically 9 days of 8 adults who couldn't get enough Deacon time. This picture was taken right before we were headed out the door on Christmas Eve to eat Thai food! Such a fun memory. I love my sweet siblings and I'm so glad they all got to bond with Deacon.

Deacon loves to grab on to stuff when I put him to sleep. It's usually my shirt collar or a necklace I'm wearing but this night it was my cheek. It was the sweetest thing. I know the rule is "lay them down sleepy but not sleeping" but I just can't bring myself to do that! He is so sweet & so peaceful nuzzled in my neck and warm in my arms. It's always hard to lay him down in the bassinet.  The only plus side to him sleeping in his bassinet is that I can watch his sweet face and give my back a rest. It's almost not worth it though.  He is such a cuddle bug and would be so thrilled if I just let him take all his naps in my arms with his face pressed right up against my neck... sometimes I wonder how he breathes like that!

My Mom calls these socks his "lumber jack socks". Haha. We love them. He is always so happy in the mornings after his breakfast. We usually get at least 10 or 15 minutes of pure smiles, leg kicks, arm waves and funny un-developed baby laughs from him.

He loves bathtime. Every time I get him out of the bath and wrap him his towel he gives us a big smile or a funny little laugh. I don't know what is so amusing but we love it.  He is less enthused when the towel comes off and his clothes go on. 

If Mckay could have these two betrothed he would. Sweet Tillie Rose meeting Deacon. She kept saying "it's Deacon (Dee-on!)" in her sweet voice. She was so gentle and gave him lots of kisses and pats on the head.  

He's pretty happy in the mornings.

He loves his new mobile that Mommy got (and set up!) him. Find it here.  

Also note the crib sheet and matching quilt that my talented Mom made him!

Recenetly, we've stayed for all three hours of church! I was nervous about it, and hadn't been staying for the entire thing for various reasons (that's a story for another day), but we braved it and this little guy was such a champ! He started out quiet and just observed everyone and everything from my arms, then he went to Daddy to who got him to take a 1.5 hour nap, then back to Mommy for lunch & happy and smiling (& quiet!) for the last 30 minutes of church. We were so proud of him. He got a lot of attention in his cute church outfit too.

When he still wore size "NB"

Time is absolutely flying. I can't keep up with it. I keep up with the diapers and feedings and naps and snuggles and even the occasional crying- and I manage to keep up with daily showers and maybe mascara on the lashes a few times a week... but the TIME! That I cannot keep up with.  Looking at these pictures, I can't believe how much he's already changed. He's so different now, so alert and inquisitive and happy.  

Here are a few of my very favorite pictures of him when he was just a little tiny who spent his days sleeping and snuggling. 

"What is this new place?"

One of his first times sleeping on his tummy, he absolutely loved it and so we let him sleep this way now. 

Nap with Mommy. 

Meeting Grandpa Craven, he was almost 4 weeks old. It was so sweet & made me incredibly happy to have my hero Dad hold my angel baby. 

Newborn photos & things I don't want to forget.

I had Deacon's newborn photos taken when he was exactly 2 weeks old.   Of course the timing was off & he was wide awake when the photographer showed up. Luckily she was patient and so good and waited around for an hour before he drifted off into a light sleep (which made getting pictures difficult, with every click of her camera his arms would fly up with a jump!). Nevertheless, we got some beautiful pictures to freeze in time our sweet newborn Deacon. 

He will be 7 weeks old on Thursday and I am just astonished. The time flies by- although there have been some excruciatingly long nights.  We are finally settling into a "routine" (used so loosely it's probably the wrong word) that works for us. He naps for a few solid hours 2 or 3 times a day and we're working on getting some longer stretches of sleep at night. This week he started really smiling and getting excited to see us. It is the sweetest thing and it absolutely melts my heart to see him wave his little arms and give me a big open mouthed grin as he tries to let a "coo" out. 

To remember-

He smiled for the first time when he was 4.5 weeks old, first for Mommy & then about 5 minutes later for Daddy one morning in our bedroom when Mckay was getting ready for work.

He has THE CUTEST little frowny face. I need to get it on camera, although part of it makes me sad, most of it just makes me happy because it's so stinking sweet.

His "maaaa" cry, he always does it with his frowny face (above). Hard to explain, but it's this whimper he does, not a strong cry, just a little one. Every time he does it I imagine him communicating something like, "Mom, I'm feeling sad!"

When he's hungry and I sit down to feed him, the minute I put the burp rag under his chin--before I even have the bottle near his mouth-- he starts smacking his little lips open & closed. It's hilarious.

He really enjoys baths, but screams like crazy when we take him out & he gets cold.

When he falls asleep he purrs, there really isn't a better word to describe it. It's just this content sounding purr that he does.

When he was a newborn he slept with his arms up by his head. He doesn't do that anymore because he startles so easily, but it was so sweet while it lasted.

His eyelashes would make any girl jealous.

His fingernails grown like weeds, it's the bane of my existence to try and keep them short.

We love our little Deacy-boo!